It’s almost been a year since my month of silence. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Silence opened a HUGE can of emotional worms for me!

Silence highlighted deep caverns of avoided, repressed and unaddressed emotions. It forced me to come face to face with myself, my marriage, my parenting, my friendships.

I’m an ADHD extrovert! I love being around lots of people. I love my people, and I love meeting new people, but I’m becoming aware of some anxieties I have:

1) I’m terrified of forgetting names and needing to introduce people. I’ve literally been unable to recall names I’ve known for years in group settings. Totally blank out.

2) When there’s a lot going on and lots of people, I get really excited….think 7 year old dog lover in a puppy store.

I want to meet and talk to everyone, but I know that my brain bounces from subject to subject and I often, unconsciously completely and entirely change the subject leaving people thinking I don’t care about what they were talking about. Much of the time, I’m unaware I’ve done it unless someone is bold enough to say, “I was still talking.” I wish more people would call me out when I do that.

3) I am an open book. I don’t have things people know about me and things people can’t know about me, so I’m not good at guarding confidences. I used to think I could but the years have taught me it’s not my strong suit.

When people ask me “can I tell you a secret?” I say “NO. Eventually my brain may see it as a common item and let it slip.” I want to be trustworthy and I really try hard….but sometimes I wish I didn’t know people’s stories cause I never want to accidentally hurt anyone.

4) Then on the other end, people share so many things with me that I forget really important things people share….then they are hurt thinking I must not care.

5). Sometimes people share a part of their story and I so strongly relate, I jump in with my experience, feeling like I’m relating, but I’m really just seen as self-interested….and from the outside looking in, that’s totally what it looks like.

Sometimes I’ll get 30 seconds into a story, I’ve already shut the other person down, then I realize what I’ve done and say “I’m sorry, I totally interrupted, finish your story.” I usually feel nauseous if they say “no, that’s ok. I’m done.” Then I just want to run away and hide in a cave.

I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to tell anyone’s secrets. I don’t want to shut down or one up anyone’s experience. I don’t want to prematurely change subjects…..but I do.

That’s what my month of silence last January was about, I wanted to learn these social graces…..like how to shut my trapper and listen well.

I want to be a light. I want to bring joy. I want to encourage. I want to inspire people to believe more for themselves. I want with every breath I breathe and every word that I put out in the world, written or spoken, I want to love God and love people.

I feel like I fall short all the time. I’ve been called out, and rightfully so, (I’m glad these people trusted me enough to say something when they were frustrated with me) at least 5 times in the last month.

Each of the people who called me out expressed love for me and that they know my heart is good and that I meant no harm, but seriously, my heart is hurting.

I want to run away, from me. A feeling I’ve carried my whole life. I’ve been tossing around the idea of going social media free in January again. I’ve tossed around the idea of giving myself windows of time for my cell phone.

I’ve tossed around the idea of only volunteering, but not participating in confidential groups because I don’t trust myself with what I hear.

I’ve wanted to just focus on gratitude and joy, but I fear that in doing so, I’ll go back to living in denial of the other real feelings. I’m good at denial and I’ve always thought denial looked good on me…..

Then I think what’s wrong with always choosing to look at what is great and beautiful and wonderful in life? It’s all around us! We each have only so much energy and why not pour it into gratitude and joy?

I think I’ve learned over this year to have healthier boundaries. I believe I’ve learned to communicate my needs and desires in a healthy way. I no longer mask my negative feelings with food and rather than burying myself in projects, I have deep meaningful discussions with a trusted safe person when my heart is hurting.

I’ve had moments in my life when sorrows feel like a suffocating blanket. I’ve experienced extremely loss, frustration, anger, physical, mental and emotional pain. I’ve walked through it and come out on the other side.

I wear a jacket that says “today I choose joy.” That’s always been my heart. I think I’m ready to live it….without simultaneously living in denial.

I could spend the rest of my life beating the heck out of myself for social blunders….cause I don’t foresee myself ever outgrowing it….or instead, I can apologize when I’m made aware, forgive myself completely and move forward with no shame. I know my heart. God knows my heart. And for me, if I’m ever gonna get over my stupid insecurities….that’s gonna have to be good enough.

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I don’t consider myself to be a highly emotional person. I try not to get bent out of shape about stuff that doesn’t matter. I’ve lived most of my life even denying I had feelings about anything because I didn’t want to feel like a dramatic person. I’ve learned that’s not the healthiest way to be and I’m trying to learn to process difficult emotions this year. That has definitely been a learning process for sure!

I’ve been afraid. Quietly afraid. I’ve said for years that if forgetfulness is a precursor for Alzheimers, I’m screwed. My mom says I’m forgetful because I just do too much and no brain could hold onto all that….I think it’s true. I try to keep notes. Thousands and thousands of notes, to remind me. For instance, recently someone said to me “I still love the blanket you made me. I sleep with it all the time and feel loved.” I don’t remember making this person a blanket. I love this person, I’m not denying that I did it, but I have no recollection.

I don’t remember making it, I have no idea what colors it is, I don’t know if I gave it for a holiday, or a birthday or just because. So I say “I’m glad you love it! I love you!” Things like this happen, a lot.

I’m pretty good with stuff that I have pictures of. My husband has always been annoyed by the incessant number of pictures I take, but those are my memories. When I see a picture, it’s like my brain pulls out a file drawer and can retrieve that memory. A picture can trigger sights, sounds, people, funny comments.

A friend this summer asked me what memories I have with her. I’ve done lots of things with her and I could picture only one or two. She said “do you remember when we…..” I drew a blank. She said “what about when we….” Again I drew a blank. Her face sunk and she said “apparently I’m not one of the more important people in your life.” My heart felt like if it could throw up, it would. I felt terrible. I love this person, but no, I can’t remember.

One of my very best friends said something about me being in the room when her son was born. I’m crying just typing this confession. I don’t remember being there. I don’t even remember that I was there. I’m having to take her word for it. Being in the room with someone who has been like a sister, a best friend, someone who knows everything about me and I everything about her and I don’t recall being there only six years ago when her son was born.

These things concern me. But at least I know where my keys are, I turn off the stove and I don’t miss appointments…..well until now. Until now, it’s those memories I can’t recall that bother me, but this month I’ve become fearful. My sister’s grandmother-in-law finally had to be put in a nursing home when she sat in a basketful of clean laundry in the hall and went potty thinking she was in the bathroom. I can’t stop myself from fearing that someday that will be me.

My brother’s best friend growing up, his mom got Alzheimers in her 40s. It happens. All these thoughts and things I want to pass on to my kids, for years I’ve been feverishly writing because in my heart, I’m not sure I’ll be here mentally to help them raise their kids. Wow….what a mess of tears and snot writing this post has got me in….I need a tissue…be right back.

OK, I’m back. Did you miss me? LOL! *sigh. A month ago, I was in a hurry and locked my key in my car. My friend had to drive me home to get a spare. A week later, I couldn’t find my keys when getting ready to leave a get together at the church….we finally found them in my running car. It had been running for five hours in the parking lot. Less than a week later, I found my car running in my driveway. I had gotten home from somewhere and distracted by my daughter mowing the grass, I guess I just got out and left it running.

I put a glass bottle of juice in the freezer to cool for 10 minutes while I switched laundry over. The next day I found it exploded in the freezer. I’ve been joking with my friends “if I make it to a memory unit in your lifetime, promise you’ll come visit me.” I’ve been trying to be lighthearted about all these moments that seem to be misfires in my brain but Saturday…..I guess that was the straw that broke my fear camel’s back and sent me reeling in tears.

Saturday, my husband and I stopped at a Verizon Store on the way to Michigan. We were in the store for 30 minutes and on our way out, I discovered that I did lock the doors (which I have to do manually) but I didn’t bother to close my cotton pickin’ door! It was wide open. Wide open with my cell phone in the dash, my purse in the floor, my backpack with my Mac Book in it and all Greg’s valuables.

I believe God stationed angels over that car that no one took anything, but the sinking realization is that anyone could have. Anyone could have stolen our stuff, when I left my car running for five hours, anyone could have stolen my car. One of these days, one of these brainless moments could be a crisis.

My friend Laura laminates Bible verses and puts them in her shower and prays them over her family. She texted this morning that she was praying this verse over me. I’m laminating it along with my prayer and putting it in my shower.

I do give my brain an awful lot to hold onto. I don’t try to, it’s just how it works. I’m not going to give into fear. I’m going to journal when I have these “brain farts” so I have a record of them, but I will not allow fear to take over, in Jesus name. Just thought I’d share.

This morning as I was wrapping this, Annie asked “is that for the family who lost their house in the tornado?” I confirmed it was. She said “it’s really nice that you do that kind of stuff.”

I said “thanks. Do you know what you want for Christmas?” She thought and said “there’s really nothing I want or need, so I guess surprise me.”

Two things came to mind:

1) praise the Lord we have all we could want and need

2) praise the Lord for the content hearts my girls have.

We’re not extravagantly wealthy. They don’t have name brand clothes, or the latest in technology, but they are both happy and grateful for what they have.

……Katiegrace did mention a guitar, so I’ll have to hit up the pawn shops soon.

Since about 2013, Christmas has been a big struggle for me. I struggle with all the stuff. Not the hot chocolate, Christmas movies, Christmas caroling, decorating the tree and putting out my snowmen..

Perhaps Christmas was not so hard for me before that, because we didn’t have a lot. We lived for the most part very simply, and there were often still things that we needed or wanted when Christmas came around.

Now when Christmas comes around, I have two different internal reactions. I am totally psyched to get my house looking like Christmas! I’m looking forward to playing Christmas music for the next month or so. I can’t wait to drive through the neighborhood and see the lights on everyone’s houses.

I absolutely love the candle lit Christmas Eve service at church, and I love when God gives opportunities and I have resources to brighten the holidays for families who struggle….But thinking of buying stuff for all of the people I love who have everything that they need, it causes anxiety.

Don’t get me wrong, I love giving gifts! Just not because it’s the time of year that you’re supposed to. I made my nephew a T-shirt blanket. I bought the fabric and brought the T-shirts home almost 2 years ago but then I forgot I had it.

Because I never know what to get them for Christmas, the temptation would be to say “Tada! Merry Christmas!” But that’s not a Christmas present. That is a long awaited gift that I wanted to give him, just because I love him.

When I get something for someone, I’m so excited that I want to give it to them immediately! By the time the gift giving holiday comes around, I’ve lost all of my enthusiasm and I feel like saying, here you go… Got this for you. Hope you like it.

With my enthusiasm gone, I start questioning whether they would even like it to begin with. Anyone else feel like me? Anyone else wish that Christmas had nothing to do with giving presents?