November 1st. Hello my friend. I’ve been waiting for you.

As my Merri-go-round of life has been getting faster and faster, and fuller and fuller, and people who love me express concerns about me hitting a wall and burning out…I agreed. I knew I was reaching the peak of what I could handle mentally, emotionally and physically, so I assured them and reassured myself “November 1st is coming.”

Why was November 1st such a pivotal day for me? It signaled the beginning of the end of an era. I feel like I have lots of eras! For instance, 2013-2015 I was obsessed with treehouses. Crafting, reading, learning about, working towards, saving money for, visiting and planning for the treehouse I was going to build.

I tend to have something monumental going on at all times, and I’m starting to believe that’s just part of who I am. What that monumental thing is, tends to change. The monumental thing is usually a personal challenge or goal. This is how I started and ran a professional organizing business, ran a marathon, built a treehouse, competed in a Crossfit competition, delivered a 2.5 hour talk about ADHD, singlehandedly remodeled a bathroom, and more. Sometimes I’ve just got to pour myself into something to accomplish it.

While there’s always a monumental thing, there’s also big side projects, like mentoring a young person, helping a friend raise her three kids for a year, driving seven to eleven kids to and from two schools for years, being a medical power of attorney and helping a cousin move into a nursing home….things that take a good deal of time, are ongoing for extended periods of time, but usually have a time they start and a time which I am no longer needed in that capacity.

In the midst of my monumental thing and my big side projects, I have ongoing ministries and activities I’m involved in like volunteering at Celebrate Recovery, in the past teaching kids on Wednesday nights, going to and being on the leadership for Toastmasters. These things predictably take pretty set amounts of time.

While working with the monumental thing, my big side projects, and ongoing ministries and activities there are people who I encourage, mentor, reach out to or even visit, like at nursing homes on a regular basis. I love this piece of what I do! I love to see people growing in their personal lives, relationships and their walk with the Lord. I know that my time is a gift especially to people who otherwise have no one spending time with them. This piece is very fulfilling!

The thing that’s sad is as I thought about writing this post, I thought about that analogy. To fit the most in the jar, you put the golf balls in first, the pebbles in next, then the sand, then the water. If you put it in the jar out of order, it doesn’t all fit.

My golf balls, my big, most important things are my husband, kids, family and close friends, but from the outside looking in, it looks like all the things I just listed come before them. In my heart, as much as I want to say they are the golf balls, and they are….they really are more of the water. They surround and are a part of everything I do and everything I am.

I try to be intentional about making time for each of them, but it often tends to be in the form of a get-together which is not as good as one on one time, but honestly, it’s a rare gift I can offer someone when we have one on one time.

Speaking of get-togethers….I have no more school pool parties, back to school pool parties, driveway dance parties, pumpkin carving party, hot fudge sundae house, Sanchez 2C 4C 5K Thanksgiving Day turkey trot…and much more. I LOVE creating memories especially for the kids! Memories are best created by repeat experiences….and mine are never small!

Anyways, why was I so looking forward to November 1?

My cousin Judy is officially out of her apartment, her belongings have new homes, she has repaired teeth, new glasses and new hearing aids, chemo has been put on hold and she settling in nicely to her nursing home. We’ve spent many many hours together in the past couple months accomplishing all of that! Now, it’s a couple drop in visits a week and keeping up with her laundry.

My CR step study, a 4 month group night is completed.

My TED talk, which involved about 90 intentional hours and many many more unintentional hours of preparation is over.

And all the Halloween festivities are over. I surveyed 1200 people at trunk or treat. Would they prefer a high five, hug, handshake or church installs coin-operated side door to bypass greeters, lines and everybody? Turns out the majority like hugs! YAY!!

We had our pumpkin carving and soup contest party. We handed out 93 hot fudge sundaes and visited with LOTS of people during trick or treat, but it’s over. *sigh of relief

I’ve got a plate full of things I’d like to accomplish, but none of it has a timeline at this point and I’m enjoying tackling whichever things I want at whatever pace I want. My current projects? Read the whole Bible on Facebook live, crochet 23 waterpolo winter hats for waterpolo team, edit and self publish graduation books, work on “Crazy Brain: Blessed Not Broken With ADHD”, work on “Mute Mama,” and type up affirmations book Colleen made me.

I’m gonna stop feeling guilty about taking large blocks of time to work on writing. God gifted me with this ability and I plan to use it for His glory.

I was tempted to get up early to clean this house this morning but I stopped myself. No. It’s November 1st. Bask in it!

I slept in till 9:30. Did a two hour Bible reading on Facebook live, cause I wanted to. Made roasted veggies and ate them with a side of vanilla almond milk/cherry slush. Actually scrolled Facebook for an hour or so. It was fun seeing what everyone else is up to. Got a shower, and at 6pm, some of my closest friends, my sister and my mom are coming over to play cards and celebrate LeAnn’s 40th birthday!

November 1st. It’s a good day.

If you were to ask me what I do… you might get a blank stare, raised eye brows as though to say “I’m not sure how to answer that question” or my simplest answer, “depends on the day.”

If I wanted to impress you, I might tell you I’m a paid caregiver although that only accounts for about 6 hours of each week, and it’s not glamorous…it’s pretty much doing for a friend what I do for my family in exchange for a car payment worth of a check each month. Impressed yet?

I serve people. That’s what I do. I love and serve people. It’s not glamorous. It’s not always easy, but it is fulfilling. But no matter how fulfilling it is, it can also be exhausting.

I feel like I’ve failed…a lot. I always felt like I fell short. This year, I came to the conclusion that my heart is usually in the right place, and even if it’s not always enough for those around me, at least I try.

When what I offer is not enough, people usually let me know. And because I spread myself thin, it’s not out of the ordinary to find I’m doing a subpar job in one area or another. Normally it comes from people who love me, so they tell me gently, but it always leads to the same negative feelings inside of me.

Pre-2019 month of silence Donna, I would have told you that the negative feeling I felt was self-condemnation. When I got negative feedback, I would always resort to self-hatred, beating myself up and making silent resolutions to be different, and somehow to be better.

Now when that happens, when I feel that stirring inside of me, I sit in silence with it to figure out what it is I’m really feeling. When I can’t figure it out, I call my sponsor. The truth is, it can’t always be that I’m a hot mess, there’s something wrong with me and I can never get it right. I think I figured it out. When I am given negative feedback (which I tend to interpret as criticism) for any reason, I’m irritated at the one who delivered the news, but why?

Do you know that feedback is a gift? I do. I treasure feedback….like two days after I get it. When someone trusts you enough to offer you feedback, take it as a gift and sit with it. There is usually truth in it, and something you can do that would improve you as a person. But my initial heart reaction to feedback is defensiveness. I want to defend myself. That’s what I’m trying to get to the bottom of.

To love, you must be patient, kind, long-suffering, keeping no record of wrongs. Love isn’t proud, doesn’t boast, isn’t easily angered, it’s not self seeking, it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). I try to be all those things, so when I feel something that is in direct contradiction to one of those characteristics…I dismiss it. I don’t let myself feel it.

I try to live according to the fruits of the spirit which is love, joy, peace, patients, goodness, kindness, faithless, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23) So when my thoughts or feelings are counter to these characteristics, I dismiss them. I don’t let myself feel them at all.

At least that’s how I handled my feelings before my month of silence.

When I have a negative feeling inside that doesn’t go away, I take that as a character defect. I reason that feeling makes me prideful, resentful, selfish, unforgiving or maybe at it’s core, unloving.

Love is absolutely a decision. Anyone who you choose to love is a decision. You may have ooey, gooey, lovie, dovie feelings at times, then be irritated as snot at that very same person, only to turn around and think your heart is gonna explode because you love them so much the next moment.

The reality is that sometimes…..sometimes you have to look at that person and with all the conviction your brain has available say to yourself “I love them, because I decided to love them.”

Feelings are fickle and can’t be trusted. If I went with how I “felt” about people at any given point in life, I would probably have no people in my life at all. If I told everyone what I felt when I felt it, everyone would probably walk around on eggshells around me, scared they were going to offend, upset or frustrate me.

You know why? I’m human. I feel all those things. I think all those human things, but I don’t let everyone know I’m thinking all those human things. Do you know why? Because I know that tomorrow, I’ll be over whatever it was that had me spitting nails angry today.

Somedays, I don’t want to love. Sometimes, I don’t “feel” like it. I want to complain. I want to be grumpy. I want to be defensive. I want to quit sometimes. Sometimes believe it or not, I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I don’t want to think about what my husband needs, and my kids need, and my family needs, and my friends need. Sometimes I want to be a little selfish.

Sometimes I don’t want to love.

If I said that I wake up every single morning thinking “who can I go out there and selflessly love and serve?” with a smile on my face and joy in my heart, I’d be full of poo, cause somedays I don’t feel like being loving. Some days I just decide to.

I’ve always thought about reading the Bible through, but usually I drag someone else along with me. I’ve bought two “Bible in a year” books. One gave you specific chapters to read on each of 365 days…a little old, a little new, a little Psalms and a little Proverbs. The other was a straight read through Bible. I never made it far.

I almost always talked friends into trying with me. When my friend would start falling behind with the set schedule, I’d either slow down to let them catch up, or I’d get discouraged and quit.

Maybe as many as ten years ago, I heard about “The Message Bible” being easier to read, then I found a “The Message Remix Bible” in contemporary language for $5 on the discount table at the Christian bookstore. I picked up a copy and decided I’d read that one….I made it to Genesis 19 and haven’t picked it up since.

I like to do topical Bible study. I’ve got a situation, I research keywords, I find answers…I hear a sermon, I look into those verses. I hear about a cool story, I read that. I’m sure I’ve read most of the Bible at least once. I’m sure I’ve never read all of the genealogy…I tend to skim it. I’m sure there are portions of the Bible I have read 100 times or more. But never all of it, in order.

I like the NIV. Any verses I have memorized came from the NIV. Several years ago I bought a Bible called “The Story: the Bible as one continuing story of God and His people.” I planned to read it every night with my girls as bedtime story. They started whining, rolling eyes and acting irritated and that’s not the enthusiasm I want them to have about God’s word, so I laid off the idea.

I got the idea on October 20 to pull this version of the Bible back out and to read it through. Because I don’t want to ask someone else to commit to such a monumental task, and I don’t want to be on a time schedule, and I want to read when I want to read, but I do better sticking with things that are social, I decided to read the whole Bible on Facebook Live.

I’m not sure Facebook isn’t gonna give me the boot for taking up too much bandwidth, but if they do, I can leave my chapter summaries, delete old videos every once in a while and if people wanna listen as I read they can. If no one listens, that’s fine too.

I’m learning SOOOO much! I made it through the 50 chapters of Genesis and now I just finished chapter 6 of Exodus. So many things are coming together for me and I know that if I slow down, I’ll have a harder time connecting the dots, so I’m taking every opportunity.

The really fun part is that my girls, morning and evening have been listening, either in the room or from another room. Sometimes engaged and sometimes passively, but without asking them to listen, they are.

I’m thankful for access to God’s word. I’m thankful for this really fun to read version in contemporary language. I’m sure there’s things that theologians would raise their eyebrows at, but it’s got me back in the Bible more than ever and actually understanding what I read. #thankful