Today my sister-in-law Cassie referred to me as a rockstar in a text. I fumbled over a bunch of words and in a backward, awkward way I attempted to say “thank you.” I failed and she called me out on it saying “It’s really annoying when you DON’T accept a compliment!”
I told her I was glad she called me out on it because I’m trying to work on that. I’m trying to be consciously aware of the fact that I reject compliments. It’s a real problem. Many friends have talked to me about this problem. A compliment is a gift someone offers you and rejecting it is offensive.
I’ve been trying to understand why I do it and what it looks and feels like to genuinely accept a compliment and allow myself to believe it. I’ve been told “just say thank you,” but thank you feels like an admission of agreement, and I’ve never agreed with kind words that are said to and about me.
Cassie tells me to keep practicing and pretty soon it will be a “habit” to say thank you and that my mind will start to be more accepting as it hears my acceptance. By accepting those words with gratitude, I will train my brain to believe them. My husband once read that when you receive a compliment, you should pause for thirty seconds and allow yourself to feel good about it. That’s an idea I should try.
Overcoming my negative self-talk will be the conquest of my lifetime, but I’m determined to get there. I took a 24 hour chip on September 4th last year surrendering my low self-worth to God and asking Him to help me overcome it. I’ve tried hard to focus on what God says about me and believe that. I’m finding that it’s a process and there really aren’t any shortcuts. It’s one step forward, then hide under the kitchen table embarrassed for accepting the compliment that my heart refuses to believe is true!
Cassie said “I haven’t met one woman that doesn’t have the same battle! Why do we?” My initial thought was “why would you?” I didn’t say that. I just thought it. Cassie is beautiful, fit, college educated, and wise. She is a wonderful mother, supportive wife, impeccable decorator, great cook and above all just a fun person with interesting ideas. Over the years, I’ve watched her and wanted to learn from her.
She is consistent in a way that I have only dreamed of being. She also doesn’t have ADHD. I’ve been like a fish trying to climb a tree when I looked to her as a bar for my worth as a human being, but isn’t that what we do? Am I the only one who looks at other people and wants to be a little more like them and a little less like me?
I have always felt rejected by her on some level, but as I mature, I realize that I have in many ways rejected myself on her behalf. I never approached her as a peer. I never thought that I had anything to offer in our relationship. I saw her as so much more than I would ever be. I felt like gifts I would send were not good enough, so I would spend weeks of anxiousness knowing a gift giving holiday was coming, then I wouldn’t send anything because I couldn’t think of anything good enough, and then would spend weeks feeling regret. I’ve even done that this year.
Words. I felt like words that I spoke were not good enough, or didn’t sound smart enough, so I didn’t come fully to conversations with all that I thought about something. I would wait for what she thought, and say something in agreement. I always feared my viewpoint might sound stupid. Of course this has all been subconscious. My conscious mind wouldn’t have been able to handle this truth. When I called, I worried that I was just an inconvenience, so I’ve thought about calling much more than I’ve actually called over the years.
I, who historically people have seen as incredibly confident, have been an imposter. The term imposter syndrome refers to a psychological pattern in which one doubts one’s accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud.” Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve all they have achieved.
Individuals with imposter syndrome incorrectly attribute their success to luck or interpret it as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be.
That fits.
I have wanted to be Cassie’s friend as long as I have known Greg, but I have always felt unworthy of her friendship which probably has made an authentic friendship impossible, by my own doing. I have always viewed her as so much better than me and myself as an annoying, unkept little sister. She has done nothing to make me feel that way….that insecurity lies within me.
It’s been an odd thing that has taken me 21 years to figure out, and believe me, I’ve tried. I am not jealous of her or her life. I don’t want to be who she is or have what she has, but I have wanted to see myself as worthy of her friendship. I’m not even sure that makes sense, but she’s not the only one I’ve felt that way about. There have been many people who I have felt “less than.”
One of my paralyzing fears in becoming “someone” is that someone else would feel like they were “less than” me. It’s the reason I don’t often wear makeup, I don’t focus much on my appearance, I minimize my achievements, and every time I start to do or achieve more, if I get the feeling someone is feeling less than me, I stop. It’s funny though. The people who have inspired me, like my father-in-law wisely said, have never been people who shrink. They are the people who show me what is possible when we try.
I’ve had several people over this past year express that they feel intimidated by me or explain ways in which they see me as so much better than themselves. I’ve had a couple act in ways that were passive aggressive who later apologized and said they’ve been struggling with jealousy of me. When I hear these things, I have a burning desire to become less, to shrink so that others won’t feel that way about themselves.
Here’s the thing, there is NOTHING Cassie could have done or said over the years that would fix that feeling of unworthiness within me. That’s an inside job. Every compliment or kind word she has ever said, I have probably batted away as I have with every other person who has ever spoken kind words to and about me.
I realize the irony as I tell you that my number one love language is words of affirmation. I crave words that tell me that I’ve done good or more importantly that I am good, but then I ignore, blatantly reject or attempt to convince the giver that they are untrue when I receive them. Several friends have told me how hurtful it is when I ignore or reject their compliments, but it is such a deeply ingrained habit that I am mostly unaware when I’m doing it unless someone calls me out on it.
Do you warmly receive kind words when they are offered to you? Do you know how to graciously accept a compliment and receive it wholeheartedly? If not, you may be hurting more than just yourself.
Writing this post feels about as vulnerable as I’ve ever been.
Cassie, I am truly and deeply sorry. I’m your only “sister” on your side of the family and I have not been a very good one. I allowed my insecurities to act as a relational wedge. You never asked to be put on a pedestal and by placing you there, I made genuine friendship impossible. From this point forward, I will do my best to consider myself a peer, worthy of the amazing friendship I know we’re capable of having if I show up fully and unashamedly as myself. I love you!
Contagious Joy With Donna Sanchez 