Today marks one week since I gave my TED talk. I noticed that it came and went and now I’m on to the next thing without giving it another thought. I applied last March, auditioned in May, found out I would be speaking in June and set about writing and learning my talk…..and just like that, it’s over.

Before I move on, I thought I’d write about what the experience was like for me. First of all, I’m honored that they chose me to speak. Of around 200 people who applied to give a talk at #TEDxDayton2019, 50 of us were chosen to audition and 15 were chosen to speak.

When I went to the speaker information session in April, I spoke with one of the committee members and he told me he had received my application and had already denied it for an audition. He didn’t think it was a universal topic, but after hearing what I shared, he changed his mind and allowed me to audition.

The audition was intimidating. First of all, I had 414 pages of journals from January. I had any number of angles I could go at the talk from, and most of them were still in the infancy of learning. I knew that January had changed my life, but how to quantify that was still a mystery. I pretty much just laid out my “rules” for the challenge and I don’t think they were impressed.

They asked me a few questions after my 3 minute audition and I shared my heart with them. One man told me that he initially thought this challenge was an incredibly selfish thing to do to my family, but after hearing the whole challenge was to try to communicate more effectively with my family, he started to understand and wanted to make sure I conveyed that in my talk.

When the audition was over, we had almost a month to wait before we would know if we were chosen or not. I decided to pretend as though I had not auditioned until they announced the speakers.

When they announced speakers, we were under strict orders to not share that we were speaking until mid-September when it was announced to the public. Do you know how hard it is to find out that you will be giving a TED talk and then be told that you can’t tell anyone for three months!? I did my best to keep my excitement in as I began to prepare for what they kept referring to as “the talk of your life.”

I was given a mentor named Kathy and was asked to “brain dump.” They just wanted all of my ideas on paper. I sat down one day and took 12 hours to brain dump and the end result was 11.5 pages of bullet points in a Word document. For perspective, that’s enough to give a 3 hour speech. My talk would only be 7 minutes.

Kathy was incredible at boiling down all those thoughts to some central themes and helped me organize it into a weekly breakdown of what was going on each week of the challenge. I’m so thankful for the process they have in place to help speakers craft a talk worth listening to!

Once the brain dump was written and I had my outline, we had our “table read”. We sat at a table, Kathy and I with the TED committee. The first question I was asked was “before we get started, can you give me a one sentence summary of what you hope to tell the audience?” I froze. All I could think was “somehow, we just got my brain dump down from 11.5 pages to 3 pages. How am I going to tell you in one sentence?”

I remember a lot of “uh’s” going on in my head and looking at Kathy like a deer caught in the headlights. She tried to smooth it over for me when another committee member said “I’m reading this over and it looks like you have several power statements even on the first page.” Whew! THANK YOU! I had no idea what to say!

By the end of the table read I was told that it looked like I pretty much had the outline of my talk and it was suggested that I give my talk in present tense, as though the challenge was currently going on. I liked the idea and once again, Kathy was invaluable as I worked to turn it from “this is what happened, to this is what is happening.”

A few weeks later was the first official rehearsal where we were able to read the script without memorizing so that the committee could help further shape the talk. They worried that it could sound a little “campy.” Now the challenge was how to tell a story, without sounding dramatic about it….just like you’re telling a friend….or 1100 friends.

There were three more rehearsals including two dress rehearsals before the big day. At the final dress rehearsal, I got 2 sentences in and I couldn’t go on. Have you ever been on the phone and the phone repeats everything you say back to you? That’s what the microphone sounded like! In addition to that, it made all of my S’s sound super exaggerated. They put a new mic on me and it worked just fine, but I went from worrying I’d forget my lines to worrying the mic wouldn’t work right and the “show must go on.”

The week leading up to my talk, I was exhausted. I’d try to go to bed at 9pm and finally fall asleep at 2am, then I’d be up for my morning run with Luna at 5am. All day, all night, the lines of my talk were running through my mind! I went to church when no one was there several times the two weeks before so I could practice moving on stage. I’d trip over words, forget where I was or just record myself and think “I look like I have a tennis ball between my knees.” I felt awkward and intimidated.

I talked to all the other speakers, especially during dress rehearsal and discovered that most of us felt equally intimidated. Most of us weren’t sleeping well, and none of us had a moment when our lines weren’t scrolling like movie credits in our minds. It definitely was comforting that I wasn’t the only one feeling that way. Next time you watch a TED talk, don’t think “wow! They’re an incredible speaker!” Instead think “wow! That took a lot of work!”

I spent the whole morning of dress rehearsal in the bathroom…nerves! Felt a little like a cat on a hot tin roof so I asked my friends and family to pray for peace for me. I believe they did, because on the morning of my talk, I was at peace and was totally able to enjoy my day even though I didn’t speak until 4 hours in.

Twenty-four friends and family came to support me, which I believe made me have 8 to 10 times as many cheerleaders as anyone else. I definitely felt loved and supported! This was the most scary and exhilarating thing I’ve personally ever challenged myself to, and it’s always good to know that you’re not alone.

When they called my name and I stepped out onto stage, all of the sudden, I guess it was adrenaline, the insides of me were jittery like I’d had five cups of coffee on an empty stomach! I wondered if the shaking was visible through my clothes, but at the exact same time, I felt a confidence and a grace fall over me as I spoke.

I forgot an entire paragraph, but didn’t realize it until I was 3/4 done and when I did, it was a passing thought and I didn’t skip a beat. As I laid in bed that night, I ran through the lines without that paragraph to think of the importance of missing that paragraph. I missed a couple audience giggles, but I believe my talk lost none of its significance.

I think we are funny, us human beings. I did a TED talk. It owned me mentally/emotionally for about 6 months, in a good way. It was a big focus as I logged over 90 hours of deliberate time from application, to brain dump, to writing, to rehearsing, to mentoring etc….but I can’t even calculate how many hours the lines ran through my mind in the shower, the car, in bed. How many hours of sleep were lost. And then, it’s over. It’s another item on my resume and I’m on to the next thing.

What is the next thing? Well….I spent 4 months working through the 12 steps of recovery as a result of “seeing” my life without distractions. I realized how incredibly codependent I am, how much a repress negative feelings and how low my self-worth really was. That was such a powerful life altering, and at times difficult process. I finished two weeks ago.

This challenge highlighted some glaringly poor communication skills my husband and I had, so we spent 9 months in counseling learning more effective ways to communicate. At our last session, our counselor said “I don’t like to tell people they don’t need me anymore, but do you think you do?” I don’t and I’m thankful that we both had the humility to own our part of the communication breakdown.

I spent 6 months working on this talk and that’s over. A lot has been resolved within me this year and I’m eternally grateful for where I find myself today. A little older and a lot wiser….but it’s time to get back to “life.” Much of my life involves service to others, and right now, my dad’s cousin Ruth is one of my primary concerns.

In two hours, I have my fourth appointment with Ruth this week alone. I am her medical power of attorney and primary caregiver. We met with her cancer doctor Monday and decided to hold off for another 12 weeks on chemo to let her body get stronger. We met with the dentist to find out that her bridge feels like it’s gonna break her tooth because she has an abscess and needs it pulled. Next week we will have two appointments to rebuild the bridge and pull that tooth.

We had a two hour hearing aid appointment where we discovered she’s almost too deaf for hearing aids probably due to all the chemo. Fortunately, there was a type of hearing aid we were able to order that will help. Our followup to pick them up is in two weeks. Today we will get her eyes examined because her glasses are five years old and no longer help her see well.

We are working on quality of life at this point. Her cancer is terminal. Five years ago in her mid-60s, she was literally hanging upside down from the monkey bars at 215 pounds. Strong, healthy (other than colon cancer) and very independent. She is now 135 pounds, frail, weak and mentally/emotionally dependent.

I have until the end of the month to finish emptying out her apartment. The nursing home will have her entire life savings spent by Christmas and she will be left with $50 a month allowance from Medicaid.

The TED talk felt big in the moment, but in the scheme of life, it was a blip. A moment. 1100 people heard me speak, maybe 1100 more will watch my video, then it will fade into history, as will most of what we feel like we accomplish in this world.

Everyday I live, my perspective becomes just a little more eternal. The reality that all that we strive to accomplish in this life is chasing after the wind sets into my mind and heart just a little more everyday. What really matters anyways?

Right now? It matters that for the remainder of her days on Earth, Ruth knows that she is cared for and loved, that she is not alone. It matters that I love my children and help them feel secure in their place in this life. That friends may come and friends may go, but God and their family will always be a place of stability.

It matters that my husband knows he is loved and that he matters to me. Sometimes caring for everyone else the way that I do, I’m sure leads him to believe he is lower on the totem pole. I guess if there was any comfort I’d have for him in all this distraction, it’s that because he’s lower on the totem pole, he is one of the stabilizing forces that help keep it standing!

Life can be heavy, and at times back breakingly so. When it feels that heavy, it’s important to remember that we were not created to carry it alone. God created us to exist in community, and when He is the nucleus of that community, the load becomes a joy to carry.

I’m thankful for the community God has surrounded me with, and I’m thankful for the understanding that this life…it’s not about me.